God Is A Secret In My Heart

I’m Gracie.
I have a secret place in my heart.
I go there often.
When I’m there, ordinary things look special.
I can see the whole world in one little flower.

Once I watched a fallen leaf skitter up my father’s windshield.
The wind was pushing it to the glass,
but pulling it away, too. So the leaf did the
funniest dance, right in front of me,
on the way to school.
And I saw, just for that moment,
how everything kind of
fits together.

Here’s how I get into the secret place:
I pay attention
to my breath. That’s it.
I just notice the air going in and out of me.
It makes me see me, and where I am, and what’s
really going on.

One time my brother and I were at a street fair.
It was a beautiful day, and I had been
noticing my breath while we walked around
looking at art, eating, laughing.
I started looking at people’s faces,
just ordinary people, but seeing…
well, seeing God, I think.
I mean inside, behind their eyes, smiling out.
Like God was playing dress-up,
and the people were costumes,
even me!

I don’t really know if there is a God.
Sometimes I’m pretty sure there isn’t.
Like when my uncle got sick and then sicker
and then died.
My cousins needed their father,
and the whole family was so sad,
and we still miss him.
So where was God then? Playing hide and seek?

There’s a lot about life I don’t understand,
but you know what?
It doesn’t matter.
I know a secret place
where everything kind of makes sense
without any words to explain.
And when I’m there,
there’s only one moment that matters:
this one
now this one
now this one
now…